August 24, 2008

• Letter Never Sent…

  Dear “you-know-who-you-are-and-you’ll-never-read-this-anyway-because-you-don’t-even-know-it-exists…”
  
  Okay, I will admit it:
  You may have been the best fuck I ever had…
  but I will never stop reminding myself
  of everything that made me refuse you in the end. 
  Whether I loved the sex or not
  
  (and I will admit:
  Hell yeah…
  I loved the sex!)
  
  It didn’t make up for the lies,
  the controlling,
  the abuse …
  the fear,
  the loss of my identity,
  the betrayal,
  the abandonment.
  
  It was probably the hardest thing in the world
  that I did that last time you
  kissed me
  (as if you could make things ‘right’
  that were never ‘right’ to begin with
  and would never be right again.)

  It was probably the hardest thing in the world
  to pretend that you weren’t
  melting me down to my toes. 
  To act as if my heart rate hadn’t just
  jumped through the roof,
  and my insides hadn’t
  turned to mush,
  and that my panties weren’t
  already wet…
  
  To pretend…
  not to respond…
  to stay “cold” …
  
  But
  I succeeded!
  
  I fooled you.
  
  But I could hardly breathe
  … and I cried
  – desperate,
  gasping
  sobs -
  all the way home
  
  And now,
  it’s nearly two decades later…
  since that last
  more-memorable-than-you’ll-ever-know
  kiss.
  
  I haven’t seen you in over 15 years,
  but the memories …
  the years full of memories …
  still make me hot and bothered
  and the present lack
  makes it even more difficult
  not to succumb
  to those memories again.
  
  On the one hand,
  I HATE YOU,
  (and I don’t say that lightly!)
  
  On the other hand,
  I loved you so much
  I don’t think it’ll ever stop hurting,
  nor will it ever not be difficult …
  to pretend
  you can’t do what you did to me.
  
  To pretend
  you can’t give me
  so much pleasure I pass out …
  
  I was hardly a virgin when we met!
  I’d been married and divorced…
  I thought I knew the ropes…
  
  until you showed me
  what was really out there
  and blew my mind.
  
  until you explored and discovered
  and listened and cajoled …
  
  until you teased and aroused
  and heightened every sense I knew
  and brought me some I had never felt
  and led me places I’d never been before…

  and I loved you.

  I loved you,
  and trusted you
  like I had never trusted anyone before.

  and I got pregnant.

  You moved me to another state
  to marry you,
  and life became progressively worse.

  I couldn’t do anything right for you.

  … and then you left me.

  The irony
  that you left me on Thanksgiving Day

  You left me
  because there was no bread and jelly
  on the table
  with Thanksgiving Dinner.

  You just…
  walked out.

  You left me with
  No car
  No job
  Knowing no one

  … and seven months pregnant.

  The furniture was repossessed.
  The landlord came for the rent
  and I didn’t have it.

  You left me with
  No home!

  You left me
  pregnant
  and homeless!
  
  You stepped on my love.
  You shattered my trust.
  You destroyed me

  You burned me
  and left me to sweep up the ashes.

  Don’t you EVER show up at my door.
  Don’t even get close to my house
  or my family.

  Our child is no longer yours.
  You gave up those rights a decade ago.
  Someone else stepped into your shoes.

  Don’t even THINK about trying to talk to me.
  Don’t even LOOK at me.
  
  I will do the best pretending
  you have ever seen.
  I will be cold, and hard, and ruthless.
  You won’t break down my defenses
  for anything.

  I will be stuck up and haughty
  and nothing you say
  or do
  will break through
  
  and then?
  
  When you are gone? …
  
  When you are gone,
  I will disintegrate

  and then,
  once again,

  I will sweep up the ashes.
  
  I hate
  that you still have that control.
     
  © 2008

  • 8:57 am
  • 1 Comment